Roadblock Blog

Calvinball and Chicken Pickens

You would think a house (and Senate) half full of Roadblock Republicans would be more than too many. It is, and we’re working to change that. But there are others who stand in the way of progress. There’s the Bush administration, of course, which has dug a hole so deep you could bury our country’s moral authority in it and still have room for our massive budget deficit.

But it’s not just our elected Republicans who are responsible for America’s descent into the sinkhole. No, there are also big money funders, some who lurk in the shadows like bloodsucking vampires and others, more brazen, who actually dare to risk appearing in daylight to throw huge piles of cash at their favorite Republicans’ campaigns and spend millions of dollars to attack Democrats with vile slander and villainous personal attacks.

One of those big-spending snakes behind the right-wing smear machine, Texas oil baron and self-styled sports authority T. Boone Pickens, made news recently by dragging back up to the plate the same tired old Swift Boat Liars farm team that he’s pumped more than 3 million dollars into over the last few years.

Pickens tossed out the same bullspin pitch at a Washington dinner that his fellow founding member of the Roadblock Republicans Aiders and Abetters League, Rush “Oxycontiniagra” Limbaugh did on his radio show the very next morning — yeah, I’m sure that was purely coincidental, uh-huh — that, in spite of all the evidence already out there (at least all the evidence that sane people actually believe in), nobody has ever been able to prove that any of the slimy smears the Swift Boat Liars spread around during the 2004 pennant race are anything but the stone truth.

The difference was that the Texas tycoon put a million-buck bet on the line when he made that bogus claim. And then, much to his surprise, the same guy the swifties slimed in ‘04 came right back at him and said hell yeah, I’ll take that bet. That’s pretty easy Pickens, really, since the Liars’ claims were discredited back in ‘04, and the Senator and his folks probably wrote a lot of that stuff down. I’ll bet they even know how to use the Google, where “swift+boat+discredited” pulls back about a zillion hits. Kind of like shooting chickenhawks in a barrel, don’t you think, Senator?

Anyway, once somebody actually called his bluff on this one, old T-Boo quickly tried to weave, skid, and detour his way out of it by playing a little Calvinball with the rules. (For those unfamiliar with the term, “Calvinball” is the game from the old Calvin and Hobbes comic strip where you get to make up the rules as you go along, even changing them while the game is in progress, and you can never play it with the same rules twice.) In other words, he wants to cheat.

Imagine my shock. I’m actually sitting here in complete disbelief that someone who spends so much of his time lying actually has the time to cheat, too. When does this guy find time to eat and sleep between the lying and the cheating and squeezing out huge oil profits at the expense of hard-working Americans? Dang! I’m afraid that I’m going to have to give Mr. Pickens points for effective time management, anyway.

Now, the bet was made a week or so beforehand but the challenge to it was officially made on Friday, and this chickenhawk game of Calvinball started the same day in response to it. So I guess that means today is Day Four of Chicken Pickens Watch — and the Paralyzed Veterans of America, the group to which the guy calling that bet has promised to donate his million dollar winnings, still doesn’t have that check.

Hmm. Maybe Pickens was for the challenge before he was against it. Pretty cheap if that’s the case, since Pickens is worth billions, and the Paralyzed Veterans are, well, paralyzed. And veterans. Or perhaps he’s just waiting to be humiliated by the Senator rather than concede. Hey, that works for me. As much as I’d like to see a well-deserving veterans’ group get a check post-haste, I’m bound to get some pretty good blog posts out of the smackdown in the meanwhile.

But bloggers everywhere have picked up on Pickens attempt to weasel out of the deal and called him on his hypocrisy, and now we’re holding his chicken feet to the fire. Sorry, Mr. T., but rules are rules. You made the bet, now stick to the terms. You can’t change the regs while the game’s in play. Because, Mr. Pickens, you have no idea what a big can of whoop-ass you just opened.

You see, there’s a pretty large group of people in this country who are called patriots. These folks believe that a person who has served his country should be respected and honored for that service, and that his commendations should not be questioned, especially by people who did not serve (you) and those who were not witness to the circumstances of the awards (the rest of your buddies).

These patriotic Americans are not all Democrats, either. Some are Independents, some are members of other parties, some are unaffiliated, and some are Republicans who, despite a difference of political opinion, do NOT abide personal attacks against veterans, period. There are a great many of us on all sides of the fences who believe in the authority of the U.S. military to award commendations to service members without having their decisions questioned by outsiders who never wore a uniform in their lives.

So I’d recommend that you go ahead pay up on that $1million bet you made right now (it’s chump change to you anyway) and just slink away quietly, Mr. Pickens. Because we will blow past all the roadblocks and run you down like a varmint on the freeway if you don’t. Even if we have to save up to pay for the gas.